Where’d I go? I’ve lost my way

Jan 13, 2018 by

Where’d I go? I’ve lost my way

Lost My Way

I’ve been lost for 2+ years and didn’t even know it.

I closed my eyes and ears to my life and just let my old patterns play out. Not the real me, but the wounded me. The me that puts on armor to protect myself. The me that has the same tape running in my head, the same tape from my internal gremlin telling me that I’m not intrinsically good enough. The me that is weighed down with all the crap from my past.

WHAT THE HELL. I THOUGHT I KNEW BETTER THAN THIS

I lost the easy, light, me. As my sister puts it: The curious, bright-eyed, excited boy inside the man.

WHERE THE HELL HAVE I BEEN?

Sorry for all the ALL CAPS yelling, but yea, I’m mad at myself.

Where the Hell have I been? It’s a fair question. Why did I fall back into the old yukky me? It’s the question that has me starting a journey of discovery, both internal and external (Day 1 – Personal Journey). What’s a little unnerving is how quickly I was triggered into my old way of life. And I felt it. My intuition was on fire that I was re-living my same old patterns. My patterns of fixing things, my patterns of not being able to ask for my needs (actually not even knowing what my needs are, much less ask for them), my patterns of arrogance and chest puffing to show the world (actually to show myself) how I’m good enough.

The slightest push and I’m re-living my old scenes. Sometimes with the same cast, sometimes with different cast members, but the same old damn script. And I think this time, it nearly killed me.

But everything that happens, even near-death experiences, can change you, make you strong, reborn in a sense. And this time around, I’d really like to let go of being lost in my muck, unconscious in my muck, unaware I’m even standing in my muck, and find a true path. Not a True path with a capital T, but a path that rings true without the constant companions of my internal demons. Those travel partners, those nasty, gooey, I can’t stand to look at you demon travel buddies. They need to get gone. I can’t live with their heaviness anymore.

What scary is that I’m so used to them they have become an addiction. And I’m so used to them that 1.) I don’t even see them in real time and 2.) When I feel them, they feel comfortable. And to be perfectly honest, the yukky side of me is scary to look at. So scary at times that I just close my eyes and rationalize away what I’m doing. And believe me, I really, really, good at rationalizing my own behavior. I guess we all are.

So here’s my question: “What yukky part of you are you not paying attention to that gets you lost?” Whew, even looking at that question makes me breathe hard. So hard in fact that I kinda don’t want to see it, to read it, to ignore it. But I think that being lost, when everything gets lost, that looking to ourselves, including the beautiful reflection that will show up behind the mucky cracks, is the only way to find our true direction.

See you on the wire

— Steven Cardinale

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